Embracing Silence
by Archangel Barton
Summary: Rukawa's silence was one thing Sendoh couldn't seem to accept little did he know that within the plethora of silence is an ocean of words screaming only for his name.


Title: Embracing Silence

Author: Archangel

Notes: For RuSen day! Thanks to aki midori for the title hugs

Sendoh's POV

Silence.

Deafening silence.

Apart from the cups and platters, customers whining against the dawdling waitresses, pathetic losers bragging about their sagging boob-jobs, there was nothing between us but silence.

Rukawa Kaede never said a word. Not a syllable. Not a sound. Nothing.

He looks at me, then I look at him… then he would look away.

Nothing. Nothing apart from that.

I can't read his mind. I have no idea what the hell is going on in that brain of his. He called me to meet him up here, then he never utters a word.

I don't know. I give up.

He never changed. He never lets me know what's on his mind.

Nothing has changed.

I called the waitress and asked for a second round of coffee, as if the caffeine is going to help my anxiety. Honestly, I wanted to make the first move. Ask him what's going on. Find out why he had to show up at a time where I almost fooled myself that I got over him. It's been a year and a half. I'm in a totally different country, doing my own different thing. Who would have thought we'd meet again?

And I don't even know why I agreed to come here in the first place. I have no idea.

It's been an hour now and still nothing was said. I had my two cups of coffee, he's starting with his third. He showed no signs of creating some form of sound or something similar to that. All he did was sip on his coffee and ask for another cup when one was done.

He took his time in silence while there I was all jittery with the caffeine. I don't know what I should say. What was there to say anyway? I wasn't the one who made a mistake. I wasn't the one who can't even say the heck of an 'I love you' or something of similar content. I wasn't the one who left, he left _me_ with nothing. And for what? For his dreams. Yeah, those dreams.

I know I should've been more considerate, but did he ever consider that I would leave my dreams behind just so I can build new dreams with him? No, I don't think he ever thought of that. All he did was to think to himself. Even if he wanted to me to come with him before, I guess I wouldn't know if he didn't say it, right? So I guess now is a little too late.

And like all society-forbidden love story ends, he left. And there I was trying to face the fact that it just wasn't meant to be.

He did well without me, of course. He's the great Rukawa Kaede after all.

I let out a huge sigh, a signal to push him to say something for the soil of the earth's sake. But, nothing came out. Makes me wonder all the more what the hell is this all about.

Year and a half, he never mustered the courage to speak out his mind. Just tell me you love me. Tell me you hate me. Tell me my new do sucks and that I look old now it makes you sick.

I don't have the slightest clue as to what this guy wants.

I just broke the silence and said I need to go. I must admit I said that half-heartedly. Deep down I really wanted to now what he asked me to see him for. But it pisses me off to see that he's still the same coward who never had the guts to tell me what's on his mind, on his heart.

Deep inside I was waiting for him to stop me from leaving, but he never did. I walked past him, I walked past everybody. I never heard anything from the great, Rukawa Kaede.

Well, I thought maybe he changed his mind, until the next day he called me again to meet up.

Then, the same question haunts me, why in the world did I agree to meet up with him?

I never knew the answer to that. So, I'm heating up this poor seat with my cranky ass looking at him with the same neutral eyes. Yet in the back of my mind, emotions are still running high. Love him, hate him. I can never get over that irony.

Well I guess I still love him. Well, I know I do love him. And I guess I'll never get over him.

I can never get past this stage of forgetting him.

'Just accept that fact already,' I heard myself saying. I guess that's just the way it is.

The day ended with him still not saying a word. And there I was expecting he'd just say something. Nothing happened except for another 2 cups of coffee.

That night, I laid down on my bed as empty as always, then I suddenly remembered how much I missed Kaede. I always thought that he was someone unreachable until he bent down from the heavens, hands held out so I could reach them. And I did.

I loved every moment of it. So much that I knew back then I could even taste it. But it's been so long the taste already faded. So long, the feeling became empty. Then I found myself just living everyday for the sake of living it. But I can't remember having a deeper meaning for it. Like there was no sense to it. Unlike before where I lived to see Kaede. I lived to be with Kaede, until he left.

Then that was it. He became unreachable again.

More unreachable, I'll never be able to hold it again.

Then a thought hit me back hard. I guess was never able to reach him in the first place. Because if I did, I know I never would have let him go. But then how come I never had him stay?

I realized that if I blamed him for not saying a word, he should blame me for being so damn weak.

I never even stopped him. I never told him that I would be okay being with him even if it means making new dreams and giving up my first ones.

I never told him to bring me with him. I never even bothered asking for an explanation.

And I never even took the time to explain myself and fight for what I want.

I never even told him that I want him. That I want to be with him.

My pride took over me, then I got eaten by the depressing fact that he left me. And I never gave a fight. I just stood there and tried to accept everything. And I know full well that up to this point in time, I never really accepted any of it.

Nothing really mattered except for the fact that I felt stupid and I faced the reality that was looking for someone to blame for the suffering I brought upon myself.

Weeks came by and I never thought about anything else. I went to work, went to eat, walked back home with the same thought everyday. I was stupid.

I went through the same routine, opened my lights, listened to my messages. Then, I heard Kaede's voice, he said he'll be leaving for Japan tomorrow and would wait for me in the coffee shop.

It took me an hour to decide that I would never know anything if I didn't go, and so I did. But the crap of a coffee shop was closed for renovation. I ran like a horse only to find out that I was way off the tracks.

I stood like a mop in front of the damned coffee shop, trying to figure out a trace of his shadow in the dilapidated windows to no avail, of course. I let out a deep sigh until I felt something warm on my right arm. Kaede rested hot coffee on me signaling he was there. And he let out a small laugh at my shocked reaction. "I thought you'll never come," he said, "I was freezing cold."

We sat like assholes in front of the shop as we drank our take out coffee in silence. Too long of a silence that I had to break it. "You asked me three times to meet you, you need to say something." I said.

"Yeah, but…" I looked at him with a hint of terror, desperately praying that this meeting shall not end in vain. Then he continued, "Can you say what you need to say first?"

I had to laugh. He never changed. He never said anything without me saying something first. He knew the reason I laughed and said "I never changed, huh?" I nodded in reply. "But you loved me for it, right?"

I continued laughing but every laugh was coated with anxiety. I cleared my throat but I was never able to say anything but, "I guess so." He looked away but I didn't miss that smile he had on his face. He knew I was a lousy liar, lousy enough he knew I was crazy about him.

I pathetically tried to divert the issue and asked, "So, you're going back home tomorrow?"

He took me by surprise when he shook his head and said "No, not without you."

I just stared at him, not saying a word. He did the same. But it mesmerized me how his eyes showed so much conviction that yes, he won't leave without me.

The conviction was so strong it showed sincerity.

We just stared at each other. We cared less about the people walking around us. We cared less about the cold. Cared less about the snow.

Cared less about anything or anyone but us.

He looked at me as if asking me to say something, anything. But my mind just went blank. I guess what he just said is the literal equivalent of he loves me, but he's just not the type to say it.

Before I knew it, I was already swimming in the clouds and I can't help it.

We sat in silence. He never said anything after that. Neither did I.

Everything was understood.

But unlike the first time, this silence was comforting.

We stayed like that until the coffee sucked enough because it was so cold. Long enough that the snow was slowly piling up on our sides and that our asses started to hurt and get frozen.

He stood up and offered his hand to me, "You will come home with me, right?" He sounded as if he never gave me a choice.

But his eyes were desperate. He looked terrified. He looked as if he's gonna go crazy if I refused to go back. His eyes were intensely frightened that I felt myself being as equally scared if I declined.

Then I realized, it doesn't matter if we failed the first time. What's important is I want to be with him the same way he wants to be with me. It didn't matter who was at fault, what mattered was how we were willing to rectify the mistake. And we were.

Even if he never said anything, his eyes told me he wants to give it another try.

The look in his eyes told me he was sorry.

The look in his eyes told me he wants me back.

His eyes told me he never wanted to leave me. His eyes told me he wanted to be with me. And I can't believe I missed that all these years.

Those dark blue eyes told me he loves me. And that was enough.

This man was never a man of words and I should've known that better than anyone.

"You will come home with me, right?" he asked again. And I was never able to say no to that, not that I ever considered. Then I remember myself saying, "I can't wait to come back home."

I reached out for his hand and I decided I'll never let go.

I never did.

**The End**


End file.
